Coping for Families - Conclusion
Happy (end of) May families!
This month, we conclude our exploration of an essential skill: coping strategies that support emotional regulation within families. In this final installment, I’ll share a recent personal experience and highlight several additional tools to help manage unhelpful thoughts effectively.
My ongoing goal is to provide research-informed, practical strategies that empower you and your family to adopt behavioral and cognitive coping techniques—ultimately fostering resilience and improving day-to-day well-being.
As a parent, psychologist and educator, I often share strategies for emotional regulation and positive discipline with others (hence these recent blog posts). But I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always practice what I preach perfectly! About one month ago, I had a situation with my daughters that had me questioning my own reactions and reminding myself that, yes, I’m still learning right alongside my kids.
It all started when my 5-year-old decided it would be a good idea to give her 1-year-old sister a “haircut” — cutting off about 3 inches of sweet, baby hair. Naturally, I was shocked, and my initial reaction was pure emotional chaos. My mind was racing, my body felt like it was on fire, and I had such a strong urge to scream. It’s moments like these when it’s easy to feel like you’re not in control. I likely had an automatic thinking error sounding something like “my older daughter should know not to do that!”
But instead of giving in to that instinct to react, I chose to take a moment. I stepped away, took a deep breath, and reminded myself that I needed to handle this calmly, not only for my daughter’s sake but also for my own well-being. This pause allowed me to use some behavioral and thought-related coping strategies I teach others and reflect on how best to move forward. Deep breathing, a mindful prayer and employing helpful thinking (e.g. “I wish she would have chosen differently, she is learning and is allowed to mess up…she is only 5!”)
Once we had both calmed down a bit, I sat down with my daughter to respond to the situation. Our conversation was non-shaming and focused on skill-building. I made sure to validate her feelings and thoughts, offering her a chance to express herself. We then discussed why cutting her sister’s hair was a poor choice, and I gently guided her on what she could do differently next time.
The real moment of growth came the following day. As I reflected on my own reactions, I realized that while I handled the situation calmly in the long run, I had allowed my emotions to get the best of me at first. So, I took the time to apologize to my daughter for not keeping my voice calmer when I was initially upset. This was an important repair in our relationship and a reminder that we are all constantly learning.
Parenting often involves a cycle: we react (sometimes emotionally), we reflect and cope, and then we try to respond more appropriately. And in many cases, this cycle also includes repair—whether it's offering an apology, understanding one another better, changing the narrative of said event, problem solving, or learning a valuable lesson together. The goal is to not just react and move on, but to use those moments as opportunities for teaching, skill-building, and emotional growth.
The framework of reacting versus responding offers a helpful visual reminder that we all have a brief, crucial moment of choice when confronted with a stressor. Before we close out this topic, I’d also like to briefly highlight a few strategies that can help reduce unhelpful thoughts and promote more constructive, supportive thinking.
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Out loud or within your head, actively say “stop!” when you notice an unhelpful thought.
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This is one of my favorites. Remember that worry is helpful when it leads to a helpful action. Actively scheduling worry time (and limiting it to about 30 minutes or less), can be incredibly powerful when unhelpful thoughts pop up throughout your day. Within worry time, you are purposefully worrying and potentially writing down all of the current worries.
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Take your thoughts to ridiculous extremes in order to gain more control of your thinking. This can truly help reduce the power of the thought or even make you laugh!
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Write down positive self-talk or say these outloud. Some examples might include “I am doing the best I can;” “I am a good mother;” or “my partner helps as much as they can.”
Remember that you don’t have to fully believe these thoughts but you are priming your brain to help the thoughts become more automatic.
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This is also referred to as habit stacking. Within your regular habits/routines, place sticky notes on mirrors or set multiple timers on your phone in order to remember to review the positive, helpful thoughts/self-talk.
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Write down three things that went well that day, and remember that nothing is too small. Another idea is to incorporate discussion within family meals (e.g. favorite part of the day), which forces all to reflect on the day and train the brain to not filter out the good parts of life.
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When we are upset, we often think of things as being permanent rather than temporary. Attempt to think forward to an easier time when the stressor will no longer be there. This is also a form of visualization.
In my personal example, while I may not always respond perfectly in the heat of the moment, I remain committed to practicing patience, self-reflection, and modeling emotional regulation. My hope is that this commitment not only influences my children as they grow but also resonates with the patients and families I work with. We are all learning—and at times, struggling—together. I encourage you to explore these tools, apply them in your daily life, and observe what works best for you. Over time, these practices can contribute to a calmer internal state—for both you and your family.
Warmly,
Dr. Willar
